Teach your teenagers the signs of an abusive relationship

Today I feel as if I should write on a serious topic that can change your child's future:

Dating Violence and Abusive Relationships

Why talk to your teenagers about abusive relationships? Check out these statistics from loveisrespect.org:

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Nearly 1.5 million high school students nationwide experience physical abuse from a dating partner in a single year.

One in 10 high school students has been purposefully hit, slapped or physically hurt by a boyfriend or girlfriend.

One quarter of high school girls have been victims of physical or sexual abuse.

Approximately 70% of college students say they have been sexually coerced.

Girls and young women between the ages of 16 and 24 experience the highest rate of intimate partner violence -- almost triple the national average.

Violent behavior typically begins between the ages of 12 and 18.

About 72% of eighth and ninth graders are “dating".

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I am lucky that I missed abusive relationships when I was in the dating game (and I'll credit mostly luck!) I do not recall learning the signs of an abusive relationship when I was in high school or college. As I work with counseling clients now, I realize that I am not the only one who missed learning those signs as a teenager. Unfortunately many of my counseling clients have suffered through abusive relationships.

For the last three years, I was a volunteer for the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women. During my shift, I'd answer phone calls and help those callers find resources for shelter, medical care, or counseling in their area. Oftentimes I was simply a listening ear as they described their pain, confusion, and fear. Over the years I often heard:

"What did I do so wrong to deserve this treatment?"

"I feel like I'm going crazy."

"He (or she) wasn't always like this. What happened to the person I fell in love with?"

"I'm just so afraid, and I have no one to turn to."

Abusive relationships usually don't start out "abusively." The signs I'll describe below can even be seen in a positive light at first, such as a girl feeling special because her boyfriend texts all the time to check up on her safety. The danger is when other abusive traits exist, and the frequency increases. 

Yet, it can be hard to help someone see that their relationship is dangerous. Many people disagree that they are dating an abuser, especially if there is not active physical abuse. My own little brother was almost engaged to an emotionally abusive girl, and he fell away from our family for a time. He didn't want to talk to us about her anymore because we were pleading with him to recognize her manipulations. Luckily, he caught on and ended the relationship, but not after much pain and sorrow for everyone in our family.

So parents, please teach your children the warning signs for abusive relationships. Abuse can be physical, verbal, or emotional. Verbal and emotional abuse often go unnoticed, but they are just as destructive over time. Remember that both men and women can be abusers, and both men and women can be victims.
Talk to your sons as well about these destructive patterns.

Here are some signs to discuss with your kids:

If you see these signs in your child's relationship, you must step in and start a conversation with your child. If something about their boyfriend/girlfriend irks you, don't hold those feelings secret. Tell to your kiddo!

Talk to your child in a calm voice, in a comfortable place, and where there is no rush to discuss the situation
- not in front of their dating partner during a yelling match. Allow your child time to think about your statements, and then listen to their rationale for the relationship. Listen effectively, and then continue to share examples of your concern if necessary. Emphasize that healthy relationships are maintained on principles of kindness, service, trust, positive affection, and freedom.

It is less effective to demand your child end the relationship right away,
because your child will probably react angrily and defensively in favor of their partner. 

Be that calm, comforting, concerned parent that desires to keep the flow of communication open. But continue to voice your concerns about their partner's tone of voice, manipulative actions, verbal insults, etc.

Here is more helpful information about understanding an abusers' tactics:

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• Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
• Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
• Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
• Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
• Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
• Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

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